BUT GOD!
I've been feeling stuck in this place for a while. Something deep down inside of me wants to draw me out of this place...shake the depression off. Afterall, this is NOT a good look! NOT a good feeling. NOT productive. And NOT who God created me to be. However, it's one thing to KNOW what you need to do, and an entirely different thing to ACTUALLY do it...especially when you can't find the motivation to do much of anything.
BUT GOD!
I love my God. He really does have an incredible sense of humor. He shows up for me - in the most random times, places, or ways. And He makes an impact. And gradually, my "stuff" starts to fall off of me and I start to inch my way back into His arms. LOL. It's almost like a game He plays with me. It's like His way of telling me that He won't force Himself on me because He knows how I am and knows that I deal with stuff in my time, but He won't let me forget that He's right here with me the whole way. I love my God!
So, here I've been...starting to listen to more gospel music, coming across scriptures, and encouraging stories. A friend of mine called me to thank me for some words I shared with her that were encouraging and motivating for her. I watched a couple of Christian movies with incredible messages. More gospel music. Quiet time here and there. Finding bible studies and Christian resources that are attracting my attention. Discovering ways that I can use my areas of gifting to serve God and His people. Slowly getting excited and finding some motivation...
...and then my dang flesh steps in and says "but I don't feel like doing all of this. I don't have time or energy to complete these studies. I don't want to listen to this music trying to uplift me. I don't know how. I can't. I won't." Uh huh...I know that voice. I recognize my enemy when I see him. And I see him pretty frequently because I'm one of many who are caught in this battle - a spiritual battle for my soul. But just because I recognize it doesn't mean I'm always able to overcome it.
BUT GOD!
I've been here so many times (smh)...so many. Feeling like I'm right on the verge of something incredible God can do in and through my life, and getting more and more excited at the thought as all of it begins to come together in my mind. But I'm too lazy to pray and fast, too tired to read my bible every day, too.... Well, what I've realized is that I'm afraid. And I suppose you could call it a fear of success.
So here's the confession part: I am comfortable in my sin. I enjoy being lazy. I am not always convinced that I want to change. Stop my bad habits. Kill my flesh. Die to myself. Whew! There I said it. Well, typed it. And that's what stops me every single time. Because my enemy also knows this about me and he will capitalize on it for as long as I allow him to. Which makes me so, so sad.
BUT GOD!
I am not this way on purpose. Ninety-nine percent of the time, I am not even completely aware of this reality. But it is reality. And I need to face it. Instead of not doing anything because I don't know where to begin, I will just begin where I am. Instead of telling myself I don't have time to pray, I will just pray on the way to here or there, and just begin right where I am. Instead of committing to reading my entire bible or following an entire bible reading plan, I will commit to one day at a time, and just begin right where I am.
I have to keep believing that God is able to pull me out of this. Because if I don't, I fear that little voice way deep inside of me will grow more and more faint, and I will continue to drift. So I started this blog today in my good-faith effort to track my progress on this Journey. I need a place to let it all out - good, bad, or ugly. No one's watching (not yet anyway). So I don't promise that this will be pretty, but I will promise that it will be honest.
Pray with me...
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